It's not every day you see a battle-weary blogger reduced to making emo posts on his once purposeful blog.
But this is no ordinary month. And I want to make sure I record this for future reference.
October has been by far the worst month of this year. Considering how I've still barely healed from the terrible wounds inflicted by February and May, that's saying quite something. At the end of it, I find myself tired, my self-esteem broken, my productivity dead and my reputation in tatters.
Right in the first week of this month, after I realized I wasn't getting any better at feeling comfortable in larger groups, I ended up canceling all my attempts at socializing. Somehow, things only got worse from there.
For some reason, I've been plagued by a feeling of despondency. I would literally sit with a utterly basic problem for hours without making the slightest headway, knowing full well that the normal me could tackle it in seconds.
There was a particularly bad week or two where, despite a deadline whooshing by, my mind just refused to focus on work. Considering how work is pretty much the only thing I have left to do anymore, you can imagine how shitty this can get. I'd sit all day and all night seeing bits of code dance in front of my eyes - and things just blurring into each other.
October thus became an endless ordeal of frustration, desperation, shame and guilt (refer the aforementioned deadline)
For a couple of weeks, I averaged less than 2 hours of sleep per night. I would go to bed at dawn, and wake up startled just minutes later thinking I'd overslept. And this would continue to happen every few minutes. A week later, I found myself going to bed with just a little under an hour before I had to report to work again.
What makes it particularly worse is that I'm unable to quite explain to a third person, say my poor boss, why I'm so messed up.
'Wow. How come you're taking so long to do something this basic?'
I... don't... know.
'Is something wrong?'
Yes..?
'What is it?'
I.. don't.. know.
Like I've said before - in any decently run universe, my ass would have been fired twice over already.
One office-mate who I spoke to about my problem has suggested that this could be depression. But I don't feel particularly upset over anything. I've trained myself not to think about anyone or anything that would bring back bad memories.
In order to deal with this, I've mentally associated the 'bad' period with October - and I'm feeling slightly better knowing the month's come to an end. In fact, I've physically felt myself getting better - and there are increasingly moments where I feel suddenly in control.
The week long holidays in November should give me a chance to take a breather, step back, reboot and then get back into it with some semblance of normalcy.
But for now, I am full of regret over the wasted, terrible days of this terrible, terrible month.
~Peace!
[P.S. - I'm longing to once again lie on a beach at night, watching the stars fall. With any luck, I'll get myself to do this in the holidays]
