Monday, November 11, 2013

Introducing The Daily Panic

I don't know how to put this delicately, but I have a deep-seated, violent hatred of incompetent journalists.

Slightly pissing-offingly, I also happen to live in a country with more than its fair share of awful journalists, and no independent media. Thankfully, in the Maldives there are still bloggers and other online citizens who bravely foray into locally taboo subjects like minority rights, freedom of religion, sexual liberties, secularism, or any other form of intellectual honesty.

Citizen journalism is more hard hitting, more honest, more wide ranging, and simply less shackled by the incompetence and timidness of the mainstream Maldivian media. With that in mind, I set out to try collect this kind of Maldivian content into one portal, where I can both have fun, and be absolutely serious at the same time.

It was all sort of beyond the scope of this blog. So I decided to make a clean break, and start over.

Introducing The Daily Panic.

Now, the boring details.

The site is designed to be just a tad more visually engaging and present more content. The template is responsive, so it will hopefully adjust to your tablets and phone screens and look pretty.

The vision is to publish original content as always, but also to link to interesting content from around the Maldivian web. I might consider publishing guest articles at some point, if it looks like somebody might be interested in that.

It's all pretty experimental at this stage as my thoughts rapidly evolve on this. Do subscribe, and let me know what you think! 




Ooh. And I also had this logo done by one of my favourite and most talented artists around town.

I know what you're thinking. "Hey. It has a logo! Shit's legitimate, yo"

You're absolutely right. So stop. It's Panic time!




~Peace!

[Yes. This very likely means I might stop updating this blog after 8 long years. But the archives are available and, bloody hell, who ever thought it would last this long anyway?

On the other hand, if you guys all start reading The Daily Panic and make a ruddy fuss about it, somebody higher up might hear and be tempted to push the red button that blocks my website. And dear old humiliated yaamyn might be forced to come crawling right back here. So don't do anything stupid like make my new website popular or anything. Hokay? :D]

Friday, October 25, 2013

Decisions

This blog has been present in its current incarnation since 2005.

I have occasionally felt in the last year or two that I have outgrown this blog. After all, it began as your average teenager's journal (you're welcome to go through my archives and be amused) and morphed into something that delves into big, heavy subjects like religion, national politics and Jameel's forehead.

The feeling has grown stronger recently. I am wondering what can be done about this.

Also. Dafuq kind of name is 'uglyy.blogspot.com' anyway?


Monday, September 30, 2013

Laadheenee

It is true what they say: if something has the word 'laadheenee' in it, it is like a bat signal for me to get involved immediately.

After the Maldives Elections Commission - currently on top of my favourite Independent Institutions - hauled the mullahs asses over coal for abusing religion for political purposes by labeling President Nasheed 'laadheenee', the Adhaalath party was forced to defend their indefensible stupidity.

Naturally, this task fell on the indefensibly stupid conspiracy theorist (And Adhaalath party Vice President-) Dr Mauroof, whose fear of condoms I have previously written about.

I have in front of me his painstaking research, and I am going to walk you through this collection of gems. Please. Lie back, relax and let me do the heavy lifting for you.

The moment you see the cover page, you instantly know you're going to love this.


Right off the bat you notice that to achieve these graphics, Dr Mauroof had to travel back to 1995 and fire up his MS Paint.

Dr Mauroof then draws our attention to the affront to our religion that took place in Addu in 2011, on the sidelines of the SAARC summit. Nasheed arranged for the Sri Lankan President to unveil a statue of a lion, and then carefully timed it so that  the clouds would part at that exact instant and an image of that secular icon Ataturk would appear in the sky.

Just because it would make it even more evil in Mauroof's head, I bet Ataturk was wearing a condom too.

The evil secularists would tell you to calm down saying that the Lion is merely a symbol of the Sinhalese people. They might even pretend to be of a scholarly bent of mind, and try to associate the Lion with the root word 'simha' - sinhalese, and so on.

I don't know about you, but my aqeeda crumbles down every time I walk past the Indian Embassy.


On pages 2 and 3 are a letter from the Elections Complaints Bureau, with a misspelled date.


Now, Dr Mauroof knows what kind of thickheaded idiots we are. So he helpfully puts a red circle around the misspelled date, in order to prepare us - his audience - for the extremely witty response he is about to make next, which also he has underlined and highlighted in yellow, in case we stupidly miss his comedic genius.

Bwahahah! Hilarious!

Now that we have established Dr Mauroof as the veritable Groucho Marx of the mullah world, we can thankfully continue.

Mauroof begins by admitting that he did indeed call President Nasheed 'laadheenee'.

He then makes a landmark revelation that - for the first time ever - 'laadheenee' no longer means atheistic or non-Muslim or anti-Islamic, as was the Adhaalath's party's open implication all these years. As it turns out, these days it merely means 'secular'.

What follows next is his very fragile understanding of the meaning of the term 'secular', followed by his 'proof' that Nasheed fits into this definition, and then a summing up of how a secular leader can totally, utterly destroy a nation. His example would be Turkey and Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, which also perhaps explains the front page.

Here's a summary of what he says next:

1) The correct Arabic word for secular is 'almaniyyah'. This is a conspiracy by Christians in Lebanon to make it sound like it has something to do with 'Ilm' or knowledge. Fucking Christians.

2) Since there was no dhivehi word for secular, we decided to use the Arabic word 'laadheenee'. Instead of, you know, the proper term 'almaniyyah' as I just mentioned in my previous sentence.

3) Nasheed is laadheenee. But gosh, no way have we ever used this term for MDP supporters. Nevertheless, Nasheed's fans continue to support him knowing full well he is laadheenee. Make what you will of that.

4) It is beyond all realms of possibility that Nasheed could have gotten over 95,000 votes from Maldivians. Just incomprehensible! It could have been stated in the Qur'an and we would still refuse to believe it! This is all Elections Comissioner Fuad Thaufeeq's doing.

5) On that note: Fuck Elections Commission for making us lose miserably and look ridiculous. Also, fuck them for making that laadheenee Nasheed look awesome and popular in comparison.

6) Ladies and gentlemen. The first rule of secularism is to hate religion. Trust me on this one.

7) Secularism was invented by Christians. Christianity is a null and void religion that completely contradicts science. Now, as a Muslim and a medical doctor, you'll be surprised to hear how warmly I have embraced fundamental biological theories like Evolution. Wait.

8) You guys at the National Elections Complaints Bureau have clearly never heard of Galileo, so I am going to spend the rest of this paragraph enlightening you about that poor Italian and how the Church mistreated him.

9) Giordano Bruno was born in 1548 and died in 1600. What has any of this got to do with my public slander against Nasheed two weeks ago? Hell if I know.

10) Secularism was a very sensible response of poor, oppressed people to free themselves from the painful shackles of the evil, devious, dogmatic, backward, anti-science, politicized, misogynist, violent and control-freak clergy who abused religion for power. Um. The Catholic clergy, that is. Not us. Clearly, we are none of those things. Clearly.

What.

11) Remember how I said earlier that 'laadheenee' doesn't mean atheist or non-Muslim? Just kidding. It totally means atheistic. It literally means there is no God.

12) Unlike shitty, nonsensical religions like Christianity, Islam doesn't contradict Science. Except when science is just flat-out wrong. Also, this is probably entirely unlike anything that the clergy might have said just before they imprisoned Galileo.

13) For further clarifications, please read the  book 'Islam and Secularism' by the "famous" mufakkir Al-Allama Salman bin Fahdhu Al Audha, whose name when you google, returns you exactly zero results.

This book he allegedly wrote might not even exist. But I'm going to spend the next page quoting him anyway.

Here's one favourite bit:

 "They restrict Islam to the mosque and the prayer room. Everything else is to be governed without resort to Islamic Law. This is outright polytheism"(!)
Yes. Polytheism.

14) Finally! Back to allegations! MDP is openly laadhenee! Nasheed is openly laadheenee! He is so laadheenee, he handed over the entire responsibility of running the religious affairs of the country to this sinister band of Christian heretics known as the Adhaalath Par- wait. that's us.

15) Proof that Nasheed is laadheenee:

  •   The Conservative Party in the UK funded MDP's campaign in 2008. They expressed concern that the new constitution deprived non-Muslims of all rights.

    They also highlighted that this would effectively disenfranchise 3000 Maldivians and deny them rights explicitly granted in the Qur'an. This also directly contravenes explicit command of the Prophet to protect minorities in Muslim lands and respect their freedoms as mentioned in a covenant with the prophet's seal on it, to be deemed valid by all Muslims to the end of time.

    Er... and therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.

  • Nasheed publicly said he will protect religious unity and not allow other religions to take root in the Maldives. This is clearly a devious trick employed by secularists to detract from their hidden agenda. Incidentally, this is why we in the Adhaalath party also pretend to be Muslims while we secretly plot to convert people to the path of their true lord Jesu- wait. I might have spoken too much.
  • These people on twitter made fun of us:

          ...therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
  • Gogo Latheef took us to Foodbank, and told us that Nasheed once told the British ambassador that he wants to get rid of mullahs and bring in religious freedom.

    Also. Foodbank has terrible service sometimes. We waited over ten minutes for the menu. I don't know why I mentioned Foodbank. It seemed very important at the time. 
  • MDP's initial constitution draft promised to not discriminate against anyone on grounds of language, region or beliefs. No discrimination?! How awful.
  • In 2008, candidate Nasheed told Al Jazeera that extremism was being preached in schools and that he would put an end to it. This reduces the number of future terrorists and/or Adhaalath party members, and thus clearly makes Nasheed laadheenee.
  • Maldives opened a consulate in Salisbury, therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
  • Fareesha Abdulla of Maldives Culture website which was banned by Maumoon eventually worked in the President's Office, therefore Nasheed is laadheenee
  • David Hardingham wants to blow up the Islamic Center in Male', and build a Church there. He also presumably wants to eat little babies raw. What a dick.
  • Hilath was arrested by Nasheed's government and put in prison after he got attacked at a protest while demanding religious freedom. Therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
Nasheed (not pictured) being laadheenee, apparently
  • A wall in Arabiyya school collapsed. Therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
  • Nasheed doesn't get off on killing and murder and capital punishment. Therefore Nasheed is laadhenee.
  • Nasheed wanted to teach children about the Holocaust - one of the great humanitarian crimes of the past century. Therefore Nasheed is laadhenee.
  • In his weekly radio address, Nasheed mentioned that some people complained about Mullahs' ranting about heaven and hell. He suggested they air their complaints against it. This makes Nasheed laadheenee.
  • Nasheed's government wasted millions in public funds on bringing in that twisted, evil idiot Zakir Naik to Maldives, organizing and hyping up a large public event, showing it on prime time television and telecasting it across the nation.

    Then one man showed up and confessed that he is not a Muslim, and therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
  • DO Sappe put up a cartoon depicting hell. This makes Nasheed laadheenee. Wait. Doesn't DO Sappe' support our guy Gasim? Fuck.
  • Nasheed secured funds from Germans to help strengthen the country's Justice System. This makes Nasheed laadheenee.
  • Some Science Society guys tried to peddle science to our school children in violation of Islam. Please note what we said earlier about there being no conflict between science and Islam. Science is wrong, therefore Nasheed is laadheenee.
  • DJ Majeed said Nasheed is laadheenee. 
  • Nasheed was concerned about lack of freedoms for non-Muslim foreign residents in the Maldives and asked for Islamic scholar's opinions on arranging for them to worship. This makes him especially laadheenee.
  • SAARC Monuments. Pillay. Yadda Yadda.
  • President Nasheed met the President of Iceland, who happens to be an openly gay lady. This makes him laadheenee.


    Also, here is a picture of me with George Galloway.


    Galloway, the man for whom I, Dr Mauroof, strongly express admiration on twitter, also sometimes looks like this:

    But of course, it is Nasheed who is laadheenee.

You know what. We could go on doing this forever.

_

Dr Mauroof however does hit the nail on the head when he says secularism was a highly sensible, reasonable response of ordinary, poor people to free themselves from the tyranny of the anti-Science, anti-progress clergy.

Secular Europe broke away from the shackles of the Church and adopted the path of modernity, egalitarianism and humane laws. It leaped ahead to the forefront of Science, technology and currently tops all human development indices.

Today, Muslims sort of find themselves in the same situation as those oppressed people from long ago. The modern wahhabis, salafists and other 'true Muslims' total contribution to science, progress or contribution to Muslim's welfare in the last 300 years can be listed down on a pin head.

In the absence of any contribution they have ever made for Muslim welfare,  these ignorant mullahs - including Dr Mauroof - have chosen instead to paint a paranoid world where Jews and Zionists and Christians are constantly trying to bomb your mosques and steal your religion and nuke your children.

Such a hollow, intellectually and morally bankrupt ideology peddled today as Islam is exactly why today Muslims have to migrate to Western nations to enjoy any modicum of quality education or justice or freedom or stability, and not the other way around as Dr Mauroof clearly imagines in his head.

And this is why today it is necessary to discard the Adhaalath Party and their brand of hollow, empty and useless rhetoric. If an 'enemy of Islam' can be defined as a group of people who go out of their way to keep Muslims ignorant, poor, uneducated, backward and suffering for all time - then there are no greater enemies of Islam today than the Wahhabis and Salafists, represented in the Maldives by groups like the Adhaalath Party.

If 'laadheenee' were to mean 'secular', then I am proudly laadheenee and you should be too. 

The Maldivian population is slowly, but definitely, awakening to the benefits of  secular politics. This is precisely why over 95,000 Maldivians voted for Nasheed - a man who has consistently harped on development and real world policies, instead of employing empty hateful rhetoric at his opponents.

And Mauroof's inability to come to terms with this fact is what makes me happy today.

_

~Peace!

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Eid Greetings

A strange sullen mood takes over me every time there's a holiday or festivity.

Perhaps it has something to do with the inherent melancholy of a recluse, and the inability to relate to people who seem to be having fun in social groups - friends, family, colleagues and such.

Of all the things I'll regret - and there'll be many, this much I am certain - in those final moments if I happen to meet with a slow, drawn out end, it'll haunt me the most that that I have actively burned bridges at every stage.

There are people who I love more than life in itself, but somehow I rarely think of calling up and talking to them, even in my loneliest moments. There are friends who have been extraordinarily kind to me that I have let go for reasons I do not entirely comprehend.

Expressions of love don't come easy to me. I wish people would just know it and take my love and appreciation for granted. That's such a selfish thought, however, and an inexcusably lazy one at that.

On the rare occasions that I have chosen to express it profusely, or invest a lot of emotions into someone or something, I have ended up embarrassing myself in hilarious ways.

Somewhere inside me is a chemical that should flow, but isn't flowing. Or perhaps that one that flows way too much than it should. Either way it has impaired severely my ability to express my sincere affections towards those that I love the most.

However, even as I feel like a complete outsider to the merriment and festivity, I wish everybody - and YOU, especially you, dear reader, a very happy Eid.

:)

All right. Back to the batcave.


~Peace.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Maldivian history: A mockery of past and present

As far as stories go, the tale of the demon Rannamaari is only slightly more embellished a truth than the tale of a model Islamic hero overthrowing the Portuguese who were trying to force alcohol down our throats.

Maldives chronicler Abdul Majid points out that Buraara Koi, an ancient narrator of history, described Mohamed Thakurufaanu as “an adulterer, a necromancer, a cheat and someone who enjoyed trapping birds into his extended adolescence” – characteristics unworthy of an Islamic hero.
To set right this historical glitch, Hussain Salahuddin, a conservative twentieth century chief justice and a former royal commissioner of history, “openly purged the traditional versions of ‘objectionable’ events and accounts and inserted politically correct material in their place – some of it fabricated by his own admission”.

While no authoritative version of our history could survive our endless assault on facts, the end result of both these tales – the Rannamaari and the Portuguese invasion – is very politically convenient. In both cases, the tale inextricably weds our national identity with Islam in a grand, exaggerated and sanitised recalling of past events, while simultaneously assigning our history to be as much as an enemy of our identity as any foreign invader [Read more]

[My piece on published on Minivan News, 27 July 2013]

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Mordis: Campaign Kaleidoscope


You know me. I love elections! In fact, I did pretty extensive coverage of the historic first democratic elections in the Maldives back in 2008.

The upcoming elections are still about two months away - assuming they are not canceled on grounds of say, "political instability" following a conviction of a certain former President in a kangaroo court by the coup regime...

Anyhow, now that the all-knowing, omniscient DO Sappe appears to be no longer around to tell us things exactly as they happen, I figured I need to redouble my election coverage efforts in 2013.

Before we start, however, it would be appropriate to observe a moment's silence in honour of the dead.

The dead, in this case, being Abdulla Yameen's campaign.

This sleazy politician - who I regretfully happen to share a name with - has always had deep flaws as a democratic politician: namely, his being dictator Gayoom's half brother, having alleged gangland connections, not to mention the mass appeal of a famine and the charm of a road accident.

But despite all of that, I had always considered him to be wily and capable of some amount of clever judgment.

All that changed in May when Yameen, in an apparent hara kiri, nominated as his running mate, Dr Mohamed Jameel. I locked away a small team of scientists in a private research facility to mull over this for 2 months, and the only reason they could come up with was that this was a secret ploy to make Yameen somehow look more charming in comparison.

You see, Jameel is an oddity of Nature. A temperamental man whose fuse is as short as his forehead is massive. An enormous black hole out of which no charm can escape; a guy who often quotes himself on Twitter; a guy who ends up yelling at the audience he's supposed to win over in a nationally broadcast Vice Presidential debate before storming off stage. A guy who can't even pronounce the name of the country he's tried twice to become Vice President of. A guy who has never won any election in his life, and should on no account be considered for any office where he has to persuade the public, or win them over.

That guy is now PPM's Vice Presidential candidate.

Rest in Peace, Abdulla Yameen's campaign. Thy time on Earth was too short

But just because I mourn for PPM's campaign, doesn't mean it is not chock-full of hilarity. You see, while real candidates go around the country announcing mini manifestoes and generating pleasant, campaign images like these:


via @nautymatox

.. PPM running mate Jameel hilariously counters them with images like these:


Observe: The two gentlemen on the right are desperately pretending to be posing for an entirely different picture.

Also. Notice the vandalism of public property in the background. *sigh*



And here, Jameel has posted this picture of a room full of scowling and indifferent men as evidence of how his party, PPM, has "won over" the people.

I have a feeling this gentleman disagrees
But it would be unfair to blame Jameel alone for this trainwreck of a campaign.

You see, after 30 years of never having to give a shit about common people, poor Abdulla Yameen simply doesn't know what to do around these.. peasants.. these odious, ordinary.. creatures.. these "people" things.

OK... it appears to be laughing at my hat. Now what?


And here he is, looking utterly disinterested while his running mate makes some obviously important and pertinent point. (Although to be fair, nobody else in the room appears to be giving a shit either)

But all in all, one thing is clear this pre-election season: there is only party in the running that has any sort of real organization and clear campaign vision, and it happens to be the MDP.

Of course, that's not a good thing, as the whole point of having a multi party democracy is to have competitive platforms and visions, and strong choices on the ballot for the people on Elections day.

Instead, the coalition of coup perpetrators have fallen apart, and remain uninspired and lost in the cacophony of their own hollow noise. 

They can't really hope to inspire voters with  promises to arrest Nasheed, and the tiresome "laadheenee" card they've been playing for years is now old and worn out. Finally, they simply do not have the grassroots activism or the organizational capacity to actually come up with an original manifesto that reflects public aspirations.

Gayoom's PPM today seems utterly weak and direction less compared to the once mighty DRP that contested and led the first round in the 2008 elections.

Waheed's campaign - with its "wide" coalition of rag tag extremists and rich businessmen - only seems to fare marginally better, (at least as far as its campaign pictures are concerned - provided they don't show Waheed in any form of reclining position)

And thus, an year and a half after the coup, the MDP remains the only party that appears capable of consistently pulling thousands pouring out on the streets.

Earlier tonight - MDP 8th anniversary rally

Perhaps it is time to send Maumoon back to Singapore for another facelift, so that he can replace the two unfortunate names currently on the PPM ticket. That could put some life back into this election.

On the other hand, if this campaigning business proves too tedious, the coup regime can always arrest Nasheed, call off the elections, and mobilize a band of baton-wielding police thugs to decide the next government!


~Peace!

 [If you're a Villa staff member and/or are already being forced by upper management to angrily question me over the fact that I have not mentioned Jumhooree Party's honourable leader and Presidential Candidate Gasim Ibrahim even once in this whole blog post - then here's why: He's going to be very broke in 2014, and he still won't be President. Shh!]


Sunday, June 16, 2013

MDP in a one horse race

I am trying to explain to some people the difference between the Maldivian Democratic Party - led by President Nasheed, and the hodge podge coalition of radical Islamists and tin pot parties backed by wealthy corporate interests that go by the name 'Gaumaigen Kuriyah'.

Ideally, in a multiparty election there should be a bouquet of manifestoes and political platforms to choose from.

However, we're less than 2 months away from the scheduled elections, and here is what reality looks like:
 

 

 ~Peace!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Monk

If you turn back on all worldly pleasures
 - on women and wine and wickedry -
to seek out what all wisdom was;
and ponder what the truth could be

In your final moments might it dawn on you
with heartfelt profound misery,
that it was all the pleasure that ever was,
and all the joy that could have been.